Universal Adoption Services

PARENTING: PART 1


We haven't spent much time on information that might be helpful to you should you decide to parent. In this first part, we offer resources that help people be the parents they want to be.

Skills, Reassurances and Enrichment

• Parents as Teachers. Parents as Teachers is a free program for all parents of young children from birth to at least three years old. It is not a program just for at-risk or low-income parents. It's for all parents.
• Early Head Start. Early Head Start is for low-income pregnant women and parents of children up to age three. Like Parents as Teachers, it is an excellent resource for parents.

Overcoming Challenges

• Parents Anonymous, Inc. is a parent support program designed to help parents avoid emotional or physical child abuse. Free. Open to all parents regardless of income.
• If your significant other, the child's father or another person close to you is an alcoholic or otherwise addicted, Al-Anon can be a tremendous help. There should be a listing for your local Al-Anon group in your telephone directory.
• If you struggle with your own addiction, there are a number of 12-step programs out there, including Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Co-Dependents Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, etc.
• Many churches, particularly those with large congregations, offer a surprising array of supportive services to their members. A number of people make a practice of visiting churches in their communities to see which offers the best fit for them. There are even churches for people who do not view themselves as "religious," such as The Ethical Society, Unitarian Universalist Association, and Unity.

In Part 2, we'll look at financial resources for parenting.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
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BIRTHMOM BUDS

BirthMom Buds is a service that puts two birthmothers together so they can share, as they say in twelve-step programs, their experiences, strength and hope. BirthMom Buds will also match an expectant mother with a mentor birthmother.

The resource is offered by two birthmothers, Coley and Lani.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
[]

OVERWHELMING

The more we look at what's out there on the web for expectant parents considering adoption, the more overwhelmed we become.

We are not expectant parents and it is enough to make us feel anxious.

It's so hard to decide what is true, half-true, or false. Or to know what biases or vested interests are behind someone's statements. (Please refer to our 12/25/03 post about our own biases.)

We invite you to consider the following when you surf the web for adoption information:

• Those who give you advice (including us) will not live with the consequences of your decisions. You will. And your child will.
• Those who give you advice (including us) do so based on their own experiences, assumptions and mental models of the world. This is not necessarily a bad thing; you just want to keep it in mind.
• With the exception of the expectant father in the case of adoption, you do not require the approval of others in order to decide how to respond to your pregnancy. We include this because we see a lot of judging going on out there about what kind of mother someone is if she does "x" or "y." That to be a "good" mother, she should do "z."
• And again, there is no one right way to make an adoption plan.

When making a decision, it can be helpful to have a road map to follow. Dr. Phil offers one that may be of use to you. He calls it the "litmus logic test."

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
[]

AFTER THE HOSPITAL: PART 2

Exceptions to cradle care

Sometimes there is an issue that delays a judge’s legal transfer of custody to the prospective adoptive parents.

If we see that this delay will exceed 15 days or so, and the birthmother remains committed to an adoption plan, we talk with the prospective adoptive parents about taking the baby into their home. This is known as a “legal risk” placement.

In most cases, the delay has to do with locating and/or identifying the alleged birthfather. We’ll go into the intricacies of such delays in the future.

In talking with prospective adoptive parents about accepting a legal risk placement, we review thoroughly with them (and the birthmother!) the level of risk we believe exists and what the possible outcomes are in the case. The prospective adoptive parents also receive information from an attorney to ensure they are making an informed decision.

In some circumstances, we and the birthmother agree that it would be a good idea for her to postpone signing the termination of parental rights and consent to adoption until the situation has been resolved. Alternatively, she might sign the documents with the understanding that we won’t submit them to a judge until the situation has been resolved. Either decision enables her to continue to exercise her parental rights in the event the birthfather refuses to participate in an adoption plan.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
[]

AFTER THE HOSPITAL: PART 1

Cradle care

Based on what is on the web, one might draw the conclusion that the baby always goes straight into an adoptive family’s home upon leaving the hospital. Many birthparents and adoptive parents assume this is the way it should be.

We have a different view.

We place the infant in cradle care until after a judge approves the birthparents’ termination of parental rights and consent to adoption. In most cases, this means the baby is in cradle care for about three days. (There are exceptions, which we will address in the next post.)

Cradle care gives birthparents the breathing space they may need to be sure adoption is the right decision for them.

In Missouri, birthparents cannot sign the termination of parental rights and consent to adoption until the baby is 48 hours old. Not all birthparents are ready to sign at that time, and we never push the signatures.

Once a birthparent signs the documents, (s)he can still change his/her mind about adoption – without explanation – up until a judge approves the termination of parental rights and consent to adoption.

If the infant is in the adoptive parents’ home before a judge has approved the documents, a birthparent may be reluctant to withdraw her adoption plan, even though she has decided that adoption is not right for her, for fear of hurting the adoptive family.

On the adoptive parent side, the pain of losing a child who is already in their home is beyond words.

Cradle care protects the interests of both the birthparents and the prospective adoptive parents.

While an infant is in cradle care, the prospective adoptive parents are free to visit with the baby so they can start the bonding process right away. The prospective adoptive parents hold, feed, and change the baby. Some prospective adoptive mothers bring an article of clothing or a blanket with their scent on it for the baby to wear or sleep with.

On occasion, a birthmother will also visit with the baby while (s)he is in cradle care.

We never forget: The birthparent is still the legal parent of the child until a judge approves the termination of parental rights and consent to adoption.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
[]

MONEY: PART 2

Why does it cost anything to adopt a child?

Some wonder why there are any fees associated with adoptions. They suggest adoption should be a purely altruistic activity, one that is about love only; money taints the process.

There are a number of services which provide for the good of humanity, but which still come at a cost. Doctors save lives. Teachers educate children. Humanitarian organizations ship food to victims of famine. Ministers give guidance and succor to their congregations.

All of the individuals involved in these endeavors work in service to others. Even so, the services they provide require training, skill, time, and supportive services, tools, materials and an environment necessary to do the work. The individuals involved have an obligation – and the right – to support themselves and their families.

Licensed adoption agencies (and adoption attorneys) are no different. Even the largest, faith–based adoption agencies who do not charge a fee to prospective adoptive parents must support themselves financially in order to survive. The individuals who work at such agencies must support themselves and their families. Someone pays their costs.

We understand how some people might view adoption as somehow different from other life–changing services; that it should be free.

However, we believe that once someone looks beneath this surface idea, (s)he sees how expenses, and thus fees, do enter into the picture, especially for an agency or attorney bound by licensing rules. Even if all of the personnel in an agency were volunteers – who have other ways to support themselves and still have time to devote to adoption services – there are utility and phone bills, rent, postage, paternity tests, office supplies and equipment, financial assistance to expectant parents, court fees, attorney fees (unless the attorney were to donate all of his/her time, as well), liability insurance, training, and so on.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
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A BREATHER

Sometimes it's a good idea to take a break from all of this heavy thinking.

Here's a place to be still. To gather some peace around you: The Meditation Room.

Universal Adoption Services
573.634.3733
uas~at~earthlink.net
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